My future is shrouded in dark wilderness
Sunshine is far away, clouds linger on

“How’d you sleep, Sidneypie?” I asked as the squid and I began the short walk from the elementary school parking lot to her kindergarten classroom.

She quit playing with her loose tooth, took my hand, and said, “I had bad dreams.”

You and me both, I thought, the words long distance friend resonating in my mind. I asked her to describe them to me, and she told me about monsters with whom she wanted to be friendly and ghostes, which she has been afraid of lately.

“Ghosts aren’t real. They can’t hurt you,” I replied in my best nurturing motherly tone.

She tightened her grip on my hand and said, “In my dreams they are.”

For years before Sidney came along, the child in my life was a blonde haired, brown eyed boy who only existed to be put through every imaginable torment and death in a series of recurring nightmares. This beautiful little boy was mine, I knew that much, but his origin was a mystery to me. At the time, it frightened me enough to have written off even the very idea of having children. Now I see it as a manifestation of thoughts and fears that have plagued me and shaped my very existence for as long as I can remember. It wasn’t the child or even his nightly losing battle against mortality that stuck with me. It wasn’t even about my own mortality. It was about a fear of being alone, despite my natural propensity toward solitude. It was about the fear that nothing is real, that everything good and beautiful will be torn away from me, and that nothing gold can stay.

I never really let go of that fear. I don’t think anyone really does, but if properly harnessed, that fear can be a powerful motivator. There are times like last night when I just lie awake until the sun rises, crying silently while lost in the thoughts that can only lead to a major bout of depression if I’m not careful. For the most part though, I am able to remain positive and not let myself be overwhelmed by the fear that I’ll never be more than what I am now. I do it for myself, for Sidney, and I do it for him. They give me both purpose and the motivation to keep my head above water and continue to move forward.

The fear is real, but can’t hurt you if you don’t let it.

Requesting a monitored napping area/room with a maximum time limit of forty-five minutes. w/full support to staff for rules and regulations.

Wow. Just…wow. A university student wants a napping room monitored by staff. I suppose Anon would like a comfy futon to nap on. Should we maybe provide juice boxes and cookies as well? Maybe someone to wipe the drool off your face and hand you clean undies when you have an accident?

This is not the mission of the university library. We can however provide you w/ the names of local hotel + motel if you wish. Thank you.

The director’s response made me laugh. I guess she has no interest in wiping any snotty noses either.

It takes guts to be gentle and kind
Over, over
Love is Natural and Real
But not for you, my love
Not tonight, my love
Love is Natural and Real
But not for such as you and I, my love

Sing me to sleep, I said. Then tap tap tap some more and I backed down.

Isn’t it strange how a few words exchanged between friends can suddenly set gears you didn’t even realize were there in motion, leaving you powerless to do anything but go with the flow? Well, that’s not entirely true. I knew what I felt, or rather, didn’t feel anymore. Falling out of love is just as bad as heartbreak, and you don’t realize it until it happens and you find yourself trying to figure out a way to cope with those feelings of loss without falling back into old habits. And isn’t it strange how the same words from your closest friend might go over your head, yet uttered by someone new offers a different perspective that finally gets through?

There’s a lot going on in my head that I can’t quite articulate at the moment, and some that I could but probably shouldn’t just yet. There will probably be many more awkward conversations, mixed signals, and general confusion to come, but it’s alright because despite the transitional blues, I’m actually starting to feel okay again.

I think I should be goin’, yeah
And time doesn’t wait for me, it keeps on rollin’
Sail on, on a distant highway
I’ve got to keep on chasin’ a dream
I’ve gotta be on my way
Wish there was something I could say.

My birthday is next week. 28. I wonder when that omg-I’m-old feeling will kick in.

My brother is crashing at my place. By the cuntpuncher’s count, it’s been two weeks already. It would bother me far less than it does if he were actually working, or you know, if we had a spare room. Instead, he’s crashing on the couch, his belongings in a pile in front of one of my bookshelves. He says he has a place to go but avoids going back, opting instead to party all night, occupy the couch all afternoon, and mooch.

I think all this time sitting here staring at nothing in particular on the monitor is starting to get to me. Work is a bore. I haven’t had much to do in the last few months. I started playing World of Warcraft on my laptop to kill the time, but after 2 months of doing so, bossman pulled the plug. Frankly I expected that to happen earlier, but he’s a pretty cool dude and generally lets us figure out how to fill our slow times ourselves. Someone must have complained. My money is on tongue taco lady. She spent most of the summer making things difficult for her own department, it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s the reason for the laptop ban in mine. Joke’s on her, I was tired of fighting with my laptop anyway.

Let’s see, what else…oh yeah! Andie’s got me on a budget now. I’ve never been good at saving money, so Andie decided I’m going to learn whether I like it or not. Ha! I’m glad though. I don’t like running low on cash. Now that Sidney’s in school, my childcare expenses have dropped significantly so I have that much more to save. I also quit paying for Second Life. I could almost justify the tier payment in my mind, but that combined with the virtual shopping…well, I was spending far more than I’m willing to admit. I sold off my land and cashed out by the end of July. Two cash drains gone, and I get to keep my WoW subscription and have money left over for fun stuff like book hunting for me or taking the squid to the zoo (or where ever she wants to go).

The school district has Monday off for Columbus Day. Ah, Columbus Day. I remember having my birthday off a few times as a kid. I put in a request for vacation time so I can spend the day with the squid. I haven’t decided what we’ll do just yet. I’ll figure it out by then.

It’s already the last week of July and I still don’t have Sidney ready for school. I wish I could find her immunization card. Mom fail. Called the doctor’s office and they told me they didn’t have a copy, so I’m feeling pretty lost right now. One thing is certain though, once I get that replaced I will make sure not to lose it again. I need to remember to look through that binder again and fish out her previous doctor’s name so I can try there. What happens when no one has the records? Do you start over? Argh, epic mom fail. School starts next month.

Thursday was Andie’s day off work, so the three of us made an early start on the day and did some shopping before going to see a movie. We saw How to Train Your Dragon and all enjoyed it. Sidney got antsy toward the end but that was to be expected. This time she came out of the theater saying she wanted to do it again. When we got home we tucked away her new bike and wrapped the other stuff I bought on our outing. I didn’t intend for the clothes to be presents, but Andie likes to wrap things and Sidney likes to open them and so they became gifts. The rest of the day was spent being lazy at home.
Sidney woke me up bright and early on Friday with constant questions about whether it’s her birthday yet and if she could open her gifts. She was too excited to even entertain the idea of breakfast, so I let her tear into the gifts and then took her for a bike ride. This is her first bike. I was a little hesitant to buy it because she had been so stubborn about her tricycle and never actually learned how to ride it. She’s taken to the bike quickly though.

When we returned from the park, my dad asked me if I had planned anything for the rest of the day. I hadn’t, so he pitched his idea. My parents wanted to take a family trip to the Santa Ana Wildlife Refuge like we used to do as kids. We waited for Andie to get off work, had cake and snacks, and drove to Alamo. I used the opportunity to play with the GPS on my phone.

I’ve been wanting to take Sidney to the wildlife refuge for a while now. There’s another nearby that I’d like to take her to one of these days. She had a blast walking through the trails shrouded over by tall mossy trees, investigating every new plant and animal she laid eyes on. We climbed up a crazy spiral staircase and walked across a modern day rope bridge. The weather was beautiful, cloudy with sprinkles of rain here and there.

On our way back to the car we passed a family stomping through the path loudly, including a small child beating the bushes with a stick while shouting, “Bad animals!” Some people just have no concept of how to act appropriately for their location. Anyway, we explored the grounds a bit more before heading home.

I spent the rest of the weekend just hanging out with the squid at home. She’s getting better control on the bike, though the first time Andie and I tried to ride along with her she lost control and fell a few times. I haven’t taken my bike out again since Saturday. I’ll try again this weekend once Sidney’s had more practice. It was a good weekend overall even though Sidney scraped her knee twice and I busted up my right hand. Occupational hazard, I suppose.

I wonder how often people do that? I’ve been playing pretty much non stop since I got my phone last week and this is the first time it’s happened.

I don’t know, but I think I’ll be giving Words with Friends a rest for a few days. I’m starting to see lettered tiles in my dreams.